Favre To Step Down As White House Health Care Communications Czar And Return To The NFL

After weeks of waffling on what exactly is in the health care plan, Brett Favre is resigning his communication duties and returning to the NFL. Or so it seems. “Yes, I am. No…Maybe,” Favre said, looking confused, in response to his own statement on the matter at his press conference that he called and then cancelled and then called and then cancelled and then called and then cancelled. His time with the White House was marred by many flips and flops and reversals of course. Interns and staffers learned early on to stop listening whenever Favre made any decisions about health care reform, knowing he would inevitably turn around and say the exact opposite in a matter of minutes.

“What I like to do is, I like to just float contradictory statements out into the air and just sort of see how they are being received. If people don’t like something I say I can always retract it and blame the media for jumping to conclusions.”

“Will there be a public option in the health care bill,” an irate journalist from the Atlanta Journal asks. He shows no sign of bothering to record the answer. The response is typical Favre: ”Yes? Or no. It’s possible. But we will make that decision. Or we won’t…”

It has gotten so bad that Favre is no longer even believed by his own family, including the dog. His wife explains. “If Brett is asked if he plans on being home for dinner, the answer is almost invariably a five minute long extremely tortured back and forth self monologue spoken aloud. Should I? I will! No…I mean… It gets old. I’m glad he’s returning to the NFL. He was bringing the entire country to its knees. His tenure as a civil servant was a colossal failure. And it might cost Obama his job.”

Rumors that Obama offered him the use of Airforce One if he would just get the fuck out of Washington already can neither be confirmed or denied. But to those that know Favre, it would make all the sense in the world.

Hillary Will Always Have A Bill Problem

So she ran for President for almost two years and came up just short of the democratic nomination. Now it could be that she can’t even get the job as Secretary of State unless Bill agrees to stop hanging out with creeps who aren’t in government. Or our government anyway. What does it say about our society that Hillary could raise millions of dollars in her efforts to gain the crappiest job in the world and she can’t seem to get past Bill in order to be Secretary of State? What if she had beat Obama? She surely would have beat McCain. Or maybe not, depending on who he picked instead of Palin. Would she have had to concede against herself. “Unfortunately, on a day when a woman is elected to the highest office in the land, and history is made, that same woman has to forfeit. I simply can’t fill out the forms and not get in trouble. Sorry folks!” Or is it easier to be President than it is to be Secretary of State? Obama wouldn’t be able to leap the hurdles he’s laid out for others. Bill is both a blessing and a curse. A remorseful yet helpless horndog and politician nonpareil; he is the reason we know Hillary; the reason we pity her; the reason she isn’t the Vice President; and the reason she might not get the Secretary of State job. For good or ill, there’s no escaping the man. For years he’s basked in worldwide adulation thanks to his rabidly ill advised successor. But the primaries reminded us why we were so fed up with him eight long years ago – so fed up that his vice-president didn’t even want him to campaign for him. (This seems to be a recurring theme with our two term Presidents: if you can be elected for a second term, the bile on the other side builds up to such a mass that it finally explodes right around year six. And if you happen to be FDR, you get so sick of the job you make sure nobody else will have to suffer through more than two terms.) It does seem odd though, that this could be a hurtle now if it wasn’t two years ago when she announced her candidacy for President. I guess it’s a good thing she didn’t win!